


let's give them something to talk about (a little mystery to figure out)

by kayteedancer



Series: November Challenge 2020 [4]
Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Crack, Don't copy to another site, F/M, Female Bilbo Baggins, Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Gen, Mystery, Rumors, Thorin is king under the mountain, outside perspective
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-05
Updated: 2020-11-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 22:28:37
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27394252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kayteedancer/pseuds/kayteedancer
Summary: “Did you hear? Prince Fíli is gettingmarried!”The news spread through Erebor like wildfire, the news hanging from everyone’s lips as they chattered and gossiped and speculated. Because while the news was welcome and exciting, it was also missing something absolutely crucial that set even the most bedrock-like dwarrow into a tizzy: none of the rumors ever named who Prince Fílis Consort was to be.And the mystery drove all the dwarrow within the Lonely Mountain absolutelyinsanewith curiosity. Because if there’s one thing that dwarrow were entirely ill-equipped to handle, it was incomplete gossip. So what else were they all supposed to do while trapped in the mountain and unable to leave due to a massive snowstorm but get to the bottom of it?
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins & Thorin's Company, Bilbo Baggins/Fíli
Series: November Challenge 2020 [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1996558
Comments: 10
Kudos: 117





	let's give them something to talk about (a little mystery to figure out)

**Author's Note:**

> It's Day 4, and I just keep vacillating between angst and fluff!
> 
> This is most definitely fluff, borderline crack. I wanted a lighthearted installment in the wake of so much anxiety and uncertainty going on in the United States right now. So as my gift to anyone who needs it, have some Female Bilbo/Fili shenanigans told from an outside perspective!
> 
> Today's installment is from @prompt-dealer on tumblr, specifically their How to Get Away With Murder Quote Prompts Part 2 (this is #10 in that list). I'm going to recommend the heck out of @prompt-dealer on tumblr, y'all, because their prompts are so diverse and interesting that it's almost certain you can find something to inspire you there. Definitely give them a follow.
> 
> Please let me know what you think, and come say hi on my tumblr (@sleepeatdancedream)! I would love to talk about fandom, writing, or life in general. Or if that's not your speed, feel free to leave a prompt or twelve of your own!
> 
> So here's my Day 4 installment, everyone. Title is lyrics from Bonnie Raitt's "Let's Give Them Something to Talk About"

“Did you hear? Prince Fíli is getting _married_!”

The news spread through Erebor like wildfire, the news hanging from everyone’s lips as they chattered and gossiped and speculated. Because while the news was welcome and exciting, it was also missing something absolutely crucial that set even the most bedrock-like dwarrow into a tizzy: none of the rumors ever _named_ who Prince Fíli’s Consort was to be.

And the mystery drove all the dwarrow within the Lonely Mountain absolutely _insane_ with curiosity. Because if there’s one thing that dwarrow were entirely ill-equipped to handle, it was incomplete gossip. So what else were they all supposed to do while trapped in the mountain and unable to leave due to a massive snowstorm but get to the bottom of it?

The smartest dwarrow went to the more easily accessible members of Thorin’s Company first. Bifur and Bofur could usually be found in the marketplace, whittling knives in hand and small wooden toys for sale (or gift) to any young dwarrow that wanted them. Smiling and jovial, Bofur always had a joke and a kind word for any dwarrow who ventured near his stall, and Bifur always greeted them in Iglishmek if his hands were free. They could talk about anything and everything, and if a story was what was wanted, then these two Ur brothers would be more than happy to comply. They were a surefire way to find out the identity of the Crown Prince’s intended!

Except, when they were asked the two Urs would do nothing but smile. “Aye, the Prince is getting married! We’re all so happy for him!” Bofur would chirp, voice unnaturally high, and Bifur’s eyes would grow shiny with tears as he excused himself quickly, shoulders shaking with...laughter? More likely suppressed sobs. “His Intended will keep him on his toes, that’s for sure,” Bofur continued, smile sly and beaming. “But I’m sure they will never want for happiness!”

But you know what they say: when one vein dries up, a new one can always be found in Erebor! So, the dwarrow shook off the odd reactions of the two Urs and moved on to the next best target: Ori.

The young dwarrow was perpetually busy as an apprentice scribe, but was so sweet and kind that he would always stop and chat with whoever gave him a word. The hardest part wouldn’t be getting him to talk, it would be tracking him down in the first place as his apprenticeship took him all over Erebor at any given moment of the day. But, today they were in luck as Ori appeared just as they were entering the main level.

Startling the young scribe, quite by accident of course, they pressed the question of the Crown Prince’s Intended and watched as a bright grin painted itself across the scribe’s face. “Oh, yes!” the scribe exclaimed. “It’s fantastic, isn’t it? I almost can’t believe Prince Fíli finally said yes!”

The surrounding dwarrow stared at Ori in shock as the young scribe extricated himself quite quickly, scampering off toward the Royal Wing as he adjusted the scrolls in his arms. The mystery just seemed to be growing more and more interesting!

Inquiries of Bombur, Dori, and Gloin were met with nothing more than warm well-wishes for the Crown Prince’s happiness and stifled laughter, and the curious dwarrow just couldn’t figure out what exactly was going on with the Crown Prince’s engagement as no one would give them any information! And more importantly, they were quickly running out of Company Members to glean information from.

Dwalin was a no-go; he would just glare at anyone who came close to the Royal Wing where he was posted until they were so intimidated they would walk away without even asking. Balin was far too busy to interrupt, but occasionally the dwarrow would hear the King’s Advisor chuckle and whistle to himself as he muttered about riddles and dragons and falling in love so slowly one almost didn’t realize it was happening at all. Oin could never hear the question and would always change the subject to something about healing, and Nori was a ghost in the wind, absolutely impossible to track down. And none would dare approach the King, Prince Kíli, or Princess Dís about the news. So, that meant there was only one being left to ask: Bilbo Baggins, the famous female Hobbit burglar of the Company.

While the Hobbit was initially an oddity within the Lonely Mountain with her hairless face and hairy unshod feet, she was one of the sweetest and most polite beings any dwarrow had ever met. Well, unless she stood in defense of the Royal Family or any members of the Company. Then, the Hobbit was a force to be reckoned with: all righteous indignation and temper sparking in tawny eyes as she stood toe to toe and cut dwarrow nearly twice her size into ribbons against the sharp edge of her tongue. No ill-word was spoken of the Line of Durin in her vicinity, and if it was it wouldn’t happen a second time.

Her wrath was the most thoroughly Dwarrow-like thing about her. But, if you were polite and amiable she was the very soul of hospitality.

The most difficult part about her was always tracking her down _alone_. While not a ghost like Nori, Bilbo was most frequently in the company of the King, the Princess Dís, Prince Kíli and even Crown Prince Fíli. And any dwarrow would die before admitting their curiosity regarding the Crown Prince’s Intended in front of the Crown Prince himself, so they settled for watching her closely and shadowing her movements as she went through her day.

That was admittedly not the best plan as they were scolded harshly by Dwalin for unsettling a close, trusted friend of the Royal Family with their borderline stalking behavior. “So, what do you have to say for yourselves?” the intimidating guard growled out, and every single one of the curious dwarrow tripped over their words as they tried to explain their need to discover the identity of Crown Prince Fíli’s Intended. 

And the most interesting thing happened. The dwarrow watched Dwalin’s cheeks bloom with color as his eyes shined with mirth. “You...and you want to ask Ms. Baggins about this? About who the Crown Prince is to marry?” he choked out, tears gathering at the corners of his eyes as a smirk twitched at his lips.

Emphatic agreement was had on all sides as the formerly chastened dwarrow rushed to assure Dwalin of their sincerity. They didn’t mean to stalk Ms. Baggins, honestly! They were just trying to get her alone to ask her about who Crown Prince Fíli was to marry!

Tiny chuckles escaped between each word as Dwalin’s smirk widened into a grin that took up his entire face. “Aye, then... I’ll go grab the... lass for you so you can...ask your questions.”

The dwarrow were struck dumb with shock as Dwalin quickly exited the Guard Headquarters in search of the only Hobbit under the mountain. A scant ten minutes later, the Hobbit was ushered into the room by Dwalin who quietly shut the door behind her.

If anyone swore they heard laughter coming from the other side of the door, Dwalin would deny it to his grave.

“Ah! I’m terribly sorry about the miscommunication,” Bilbo fluttered, smoothing her curls as she turned to the assembled dwarrow with a deprecating smile. “Dwalin told me you were just trying to ask me something? Though why you insisted on scaring me half to death with all your staring before you did so is absolutely beyond me,” the Hobbit scolded lightly, settling her hands on her hips. “But that’s beside the point. How may I help you?”

Silence reigned over the assembled dwarrow. None of them had really thought they would get this far. Silence stretched uncomfortably as Bilbo shifted from one large foot to the other uneasily, tugging at the pleats in her skirt.

“Um!” a young voice eventually squeaked, and all eyes turned to see a young dwarrowdam just barely over the age of majority. Flushing under the scrutiny, the dwarrowdam blurted, “We just wanted to know who Crown Prince Fíli’s Intended is!”

Bilbo’s brow furrowed as she scanned the assembled dwarrow. “Really?” the Hobbit asked incredulously. “You don’t know?”

“No!” a different dwarrow piped up, tugging at his short beard. “Everyone’s talking about the news, but no one’s ever said who exactly Crown Prince Fíli is to marry. And everyone we ask seems to assume we all know already!”

Bilbo nodded solemnly as her lips fought a smile. “Ah, I see. Yes, this is quite the dilemma. And not a single person told you the identity of Fíli’s Intended? Did you ask Kíli or Dís?”

Eyes wide at the Hobbit’s casual show of intimacy with the Royal Family, the dwarrow all shook their heads. “Do… do you know, Ms. Baggins?” the same dwarrowdam as before asked excitedly.

“Why, yes. I do, actually,” Bilbo smiled, and the dwarrow all leaned in, enraptured by the Hobbit and her gentle smile and totally unaware of how Dwalin had cracked the door open to watch the show.

“Who is it, Ms. Baggins?” another dwarrow shouted in glee and Bilbo’s smile could have warmed Erebor for the next thousand years with its glow.

“I am Fíli’s Intended, Master Dwarf,” Bilbo stated matter-of-factly, and every sound cut off abruptly in absolute shock. The ensuing silence was only broken by Dwalin’s loud guffaws as he pushed the door open all the way, leaning against the doorjamb in his mirth.

The young dwarrowdam who first spoke fainted dead away.

Turning to Dwalin, Bilbo addressed the thoroughly entertained Guard. “I didn’t think it was this great secret? Fíli wears the gifts I made him all the time, and I wear his courting gift and bead. There was a ring, and a bracelet, and a dragon, and an Arkenstone. Was I supposed to also announce it or something? I thought it was perfectly self-explanatory,” the Hobbit asked him perturbedly as she waved her hands, a delicate bracelet of gold and gemstone flowers twining about her wrist as the mithril bead marking her as One of the Line of Durin flashed in the light.

Every dwarrow in the room joined their colleague in unconsciousness. Mystery solved.


End file.
